Sunday 16 July 1665

(Lord’s day). I up, having lain with Mr. Moore in the chaplin’s chamber. And having trimmed myself, down to Mr. Carteret; and he being ready we down and walked in the gallery an hour or two, it being a most noble and pretty house that ever, for the bigness, I saw. Here I taught him what to do: to take the lady always by the hand to lead her, and telling him that I would find opportunity to leave them two together, he should make these and these compliments, and also take a time to do the like to Lord Crew and Lady Wright. After I had instructed him, which he thanked me for, owning that he needed my teaching him, my Lord Crew come down and family, the young lady among the rest; and so by coaches to church four miles off; where a pretty good sermon, and a declaration of penitence of a man that had undergone the Churches censure for his wicked life. Thence back again by coach, Mr. Carteret having not had the confidence to take his lady once by the hand, coming or going, which I told him of when we come home, and he will hereafter do it. So to dinner. My Lord excellent discourse. Then to walk in the gallery, and to sit down. By and by my Lady Wright and I go out (and then my Lord Crew, he not by design), and lastly my Lady Crew come out, and left the young people together. And a little pretty daughter of my Lady Wright’s most innocently come out afterward, and shut the door to, as if she had done it, poor child, by inspiration; which made us without, have good sport to laugh at. They together an hour, and by and by church-time, whither he led her into the coach and into the church, and so at church all the afternoon, several handsome ladies at church. But it was most extraordinary hot that ever I knew it. So home again and to walk in the gardens, where we left the young couple a second time; and my Lady Wright and I to walk together, who to my trouble tells me that my Lady Jem. must have something done to her body by Scott before she can be married, and therefore care must be had to send him, also that some more new clothes must of necessity be made her, which and other things I took care of. Anon to supper, and excellent discourse and dispute between my Lord Crew and the chaplin, who is a good scholler, but a nonconformist. Here this evening I spoke with Mrs. Carter, my old acquaintance, that hath lived with my Lady these twelve or thirteen years, the sum of all whose discourse and others for her, is, that I would get her a good husband; which I have promised, but know not when I shall perform. After Mr. Carteret was carried to his chamber, we to prayers again and then to bed.

25 Annotations

cape henry   Link to this

This being Pepys, I'm almost surprised he didn't council poor Carteret to break out in French with the girl. But now the main question: What is it that "Lady Jem. must have [...] done to her body by Scott before she can be married?"

Robert Gertz   Link to this

It must be with regards to poor young Jemina's neck and back problems. Hopefully Philip will rise to the occasion and display the goodness of an Antonio Banderas declaring he will not allow his wife to be hurt with any more cosmetic surgery.

Michael Robinson   Link to this

" ... and a declaration of penitence of a man that had undergone the Churches censure for his wicked life."

"Cursed are the ... , fornicators, and adulterers, ..." one wonders how SP kept a straight face.

"A Commination, or Denouncing of God's Anger and Judgements against Sinners,"

"After Morning Prayer, the Litany ended according to the accustomed manner, the Priest shall, in the reading Pew or Pulpit, say,
BRETHREN, in the Primitive Church there was a godly discipline, that, at the beginning of Lent, such persons as stood convicted of notorious sin were put to open penance, and punished in this world, that their souls might be saved in the day of the Lord; and that others, admonished by their example, might be the more afraid to offend.
Instead whereof, until the said discipline may be restored again, (which is much to be wished,) it is thought good, that at this time (in the presence of you all) should be read the general sentences of God's cursing against impenitent sinners, gathered out of the seven and twentieth Chapter of Deuteronomy, and other places of Scripture; and that ye should answer to every Sentence, Amen: To the intent that, being admonished of the great indignation of God against sinners, ye may the rather be moved to earnest and true repentance; and may walk more warily in these dangerous days; fleeing from such vices, for which ye affirm with your own mouths the curse of God to be due. ..."

http://www.eskimo.com/~lhowell/bcp1662/occasion...

dirk   Link to this

The Rev. Josselin's diary

"God good in our mercies. London sad days increase. 1268 buried. 725 plague, lord hold thy hand. god good in the season, and in his word, the lord quicken my faith."

http://linux02.lib.cam.ac.uk/earlscolne//diary/...

dirk   Link to this

Evelyn's diary

"To Hampton-Court againe, hearing a fragment of a sermon there by Dr. Turner: There died of the Plague in Lond: this Weeke 1100:"

http://www.geocities.com/Paris/LeftBank/1914/ed...

The figures don't seem to agree with those provided by the Rev. Josselin. Not really a surprise in those days, when accurate information may not have been readily available - but it raises the question if any figures on the subject are reliable...

Jenny Doughty   Link to this

Presumably the London figures were drawn from the Bills of Mortality, and those would be totalled up from different districts. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bills_of_Mortality

Michael Robinson   Link to this

" ... the chaplin, who is a good scholler, but a nonconformist."

The Crew's were a prominent puritan and presbyterian family.

[Spoiler Except for Lord Crew's youngest son Nathaniel (1633-1721) an Anglican divine, of whom it is said that he bought the Bishopric of Durham in 1674 by bribing Nell Gwyn]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathaniel_Crew,_3r...

Michael Robinson   Link to this

"And having trimmed myself, ..."

Given the day comes irresistibly to mind Allan Benet's parody of a CoE sermon:

"First verse of the fourteenth chapter of the Second Book of Kings: 'And he said, "But my brother Esau is an hairy man, but I am a smooth man."' ... Life, you know, is rather like opening a tin of sardines. We all of us are looking for the key. And I wonder how many of you here tonight have wasted years of your lives looking behind the kitchen dressers of this life for that key. I know I have. Others think they've found the key, don't they? They roll back the lid of the sardine tin of life. They reveal the sardines—the riches of life—therein, and they get them out, and they enjoy them. But, you know, there's always a little bit in the corner you can't get out. I wonder is there a little bit in the corner of your life? I know there is in mine!

And so now I draw to a close. I want you, when you go out into the world, in times of trouble and sorrow and hopelessness and despair, amid the hurley-burley of modern life. If ever you're tempted to say: 'Stuff this for a lark!', I want you, at such times, to cast your minds back to the words of my first text to you tonight: 'But my brother Esau is an hairy man, but I am a smooth man.' "
http://sof.wellington.net.nz/esausermon.htm

Stacia   Link to this

It appears that 5 years ago (February, 1660) Madam Scott and her husband, the surgeon Scott, promised to straighten Jem's crooked neck and have "that thing for her neck" done that week. Since 5 years have passed, I hope that today's note is in reference to a follow up procedure and not indication of a lengthy delay on Scott's part.

jean-paul   Link to this

Gee, some people have to be shown everything!

Samuel   Link to this

I would be grateful if someone could explain what was so funny about what the little pretty daughter did.

Ruben   Link to this

Samuel!
You do not leave a young man and a female of a high social status (that are not married) alone in a room!
Pepys and friends did just that, so the young couple get to know, but by convention it was risky.
Now comes the innocent child, and like in Cosi fan tutte (she is not part of the plot) does what all those in the complot though but did not have the nerve to do. Shut the door in spite of convention!
There is a moment of tension between the onlookers, caused by the innocent's violation of the mores of the century, that is relieved by laugh.
If one of the onlookers continued to have a serious face, it would mean 1) he thinks it is very very wrong to leave a virgin alone in the company of a male that is not is father or brother, 2) he is Rev. Josselin! (someone in Spanish we call "chupa-cirios", church candles sucker)

Australian Susan   Link to this

Michael - thank you, thank for reminding me of this! I can remember the incomparable AB's sing song delivery of the Bible verse - wonderful stuff!Alas, alas, there are still far too many sermons like that. I recently sat through one about the Trinity (on Trinity Sunday just past) which tried to use Mel Gibson and acting as a metaphor for the workings of the HS. deary, deary me.

The reporting of the little girl's actions made me laugh! You can just imagine her thinking or saying "But what did I do wrong? You're always telling me to shut doors because of draughts? Why is everyone laughing? "

Robert Gertz   Link to this

"...Lady Wright and I to walk together, who to my trouble tells me that my Lady Jem. must have something done to her body by Scott before she can be married, and therefore care must be had to send him, also that some more new clothes must of necessity be made her, which and other things I took care of."

Uneasy lies the head of the wedding planner...

Perhaps the source of Bess' indifference (annoyance) apart from the lady and Sam's lack of attentiveness was to be able to see the large "sucker" sign posted on her overworked husband's forehead. Earlier she's indicated a willingness to support his past efforts to distance himself from the old days and his lowly status then and it must be a little irritating to see him running this way and that, striving to be of use, almost as if returned to his servant days in his eagerness, and to be deprived of what little of his time she can get over this affair. Hard to say but not terribly surprising if Creed and Howe are laughing in their sleeves at our self-important hero, relieved to be well out of a thing which would be the huge loss of their time with little real reward.

A. De Araujo   Link to this

"that I would get her a good husband;which I have promised but know not when I shall perform"
Well Sam ,get going;women have needs too you know.

Rex Gordon   Link to this

Michael -

Thanks! I remember watching Alan Bennett do this on the Jack Paar show when I was a kid. It's one of the funniest bits I've ever seen.

Now, how about the mock news report on the Swiss spaghetti orchards?

JWB   Link to this

"...Lady Jem. must have something done to her body by Scott before she can be married..."

By the circumlocution I suspect Jem has an imperforate hymen requiring Scott, the surgeon, to perform an hymenotomy. We have no reason to suspect the neck straightening 5 years ago was not a success, and that whatever is now required is minor in that marriage not postponed.

jeannine   Link to this

"By the circumlocution I suspect Jem has an imperforate hymen requiring Scott, the surgeon, to perform an hymenotomy. We have no reason to suspect the neck straightening 5 years ago was not a success, and that whatever is now required is minor in that marriage not postponed."

JWB -- are you sure about Scott being the man to perform the hymenotony? I may be mistaken here but I thought there was some recent law placed where the King had to perform all of those?

Mary   Link to this

Swiss spaghetti harvest.

For an account of this, go to
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com and follow the links.

Rex Gordon   Link to this

Mary -

Thanks so much! I just found my way to a complete clip of the Swiss spaghetti harvest hoax on the BBC's website, starting with the link you provided. Fifty-one years on and it's still funny.

Michael Robinson   Link to this

Swiss spaghetti harvest ... sardines—the riches of life ...

And let none forget that the best years for vintage sardines are the ones immediately following a great sauternes ...

Robert Gertz   Link to this

"Doing well Lady Jem?" Sam, tad concerned.

Nothing like this sort of thing to delay an affair.

"Oh, very well, Cousin Pepys." Jem, slight groan.

"Can't you hurry things along just a bit there, Scott?" Sam eyes the good doctor.

"Sir, there's a fine line here...You know the rack used to be considered a hideous torture."

"Just a half turn faster an hour...You wouldn't mind a little half turn more an hour to make your wedding on time, would you Lady Jem?"

"Oh...No...Cousin...Ohhh..."

"That's the spirit. Scott, just a bit..."

"Sir...It's quite enough."

Hmmn...Good man but a bit too coddling of his patients, Sam sighs.

Robert Gertz   Link to this

The Eve...

“People.” Sam addresses the assembled staff with final orders. “Attend.”.

“Lady Jem is getting married in the morning...

Ding-dong the bells are gonna chime...

You lads there look able...Lift her on that table...

We must prep Jem for the church on time...

You’re getting married in the morning... (Yes, Cousin Pepys...)

With ole Scott’s help you’ll be looking fine...(I don’t feel so good, cousin Pepys...)

Mrs. Bagwell, come and kiss me...For this one day you’ll miss me...

For I must get Jem to the church on time...

If my Bess is sighing, this’ll bring her round...

Her Sam is the biggest man in town...

For Jem’s getting married in the morning...

And Samuel Pepys is sealer of the deal...

Look sharp you don’t mar her...Or Scott you’re a martyr...

For we must have Jem to the church on time...

If she be in pain, I’ll play the clown...

I should note here I am not paid a crown...

But I’m content that Jem’s married in the morning...

And I’ve played my role for the Montagu commonweal...

Thank God for my father, right now a tailor’s son I rather...

Fancy being to so as to know the feel... (Cousin Pepys? Why are you wearing my wedding dress?)

If Jem needs dresses, I know the score...

I can even cut them on the floor...

Oh...

Jem’s getting married in the morning...

If Samuel Pepys has anything to say...

Scott, to your duty...Make her look cutie...

So long as she is to the church on time...

Now if I be flying, have Bess bring me down...

If I be wooing, get Bagwell outta town..

For...We’ve got to be there in the morning...

Spruced up and lookin’ in our prime...(I thought this was my wedding, cousin Pepys?)

The plague cannot stop me...Now even Creed can’t top me...

When I get Jem to the church on time...

If Montagu-Carteret goes down for real...

All will be knowing whom did do this deal...

Yes, Jem’s getting married in the morning...

Be sure Betty Martin’s not allowed in town...

Set the wedding table...Girl, you look able...

For God’s sake, lets get Jem to the church on time...”

Early morning...Exhausted chorus of servants...

“My Bess is stumbling home to bed now...

Fuming I give her so little time...

The town she is waking...
Daylight is breaking...

Wake-up dear Jem, it’s nearly time...”

“I’m getting married in the morning...

To a bloke I barely know...It’s almost time...

My neck and back are aching...My heart is sorta breaking.”

“Enough my girl, you’re wasting time...”

Chorus:

“Jem’s getting married in the morning...

Mourning seems appropriate in this plague time...

Lift her on that table if anyone is able...Good luck, dear girl...

Good health...Good bye...”

Sam, staggering with weariness:

“Jem’s getting married in the morning...

Ding-dong...The bells are gonna chime...zzzzz...

Hey! Why didn’t they wake me! Cabbie there, take me!

For I must be at the church...So get me to the church...

For God’s sakes get me to the church...On...Time...!!”

Bess, running in, dressed... “Sam? Sam! Wait!!”

(“Sir?” “Drive on, I never told her she wasn’t invited.”)
***

Jacqueline Gore   Link to this

RG-That was priceless. And I'll bet you're right about Bess not being invited.

Andrew Hamilton   Link to this

Well I think everyone got the humor (and horror) of Sam's role just right, but wish to add that the passage "Here I taught him what to do: to take the lady always by the hand to lead her" reminded me irresistibly of Chaucer's Pandarus.

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